Welcome to the Hotel California
by Reincarnated Poet
Summary: Gert has run to the end of her rope, and has called in her cousin Unice to help keep the boys in line and safe. This is her tale, from the therapists couch. If you liked Steely Knives, you'll enjoy this.


Reincarnated Poet: Hey guys. Well, I have excuses, which I will lay at your feet. I am working two jobs. I just moved into my first apartment. As of right now, I have this burning desire to write a completely ridiculous Covenant fic that is along the lines of my Stab Them With My Steely Knives fic. So here you are with: Welcome to the Hotel California

~Reincarnated Poet~

"In hind sight, I should probably confess that I saw it coming. The complete and total break down. I'm not really sure what finally tipped the scales. Maybe it was the one I read about the Sue bringing Chase back to life only to realize that she was the missing link between all the Covenant members and resolved all issues. Maybe it was that girl ranting about how she wanted the power for herself only to be given it. Then again, it might have been that fic where the girl ended up boning all four of them at the same time with her ridiculously kicking body. You know...I just couldn't say." A rather plain girl with a slightly upturned mouselike nose lay back on a psychiatrist's couch. She had a hand thrown over her eyes, and her mouth turned down in a grimace.

"And these made you feel this terribly?" A man in his mid forties asked from across the room. He wore a button down cardigan over a dark brown polo. His face was stubbled and there was grey at his temples, which he rubbed almost continuously. His elbow rested on the arm of his chair, and his chin on his upturned palm.

"You have to understand!" She shouted, sitting bolt upright and sliding her legs off of the couch. "Its such a pretty little story, all wrapped up with so many possibilities! And yet, each and every time, the boys wake up in the morning there's a new girl that's either related or a long lost member of the Covenant beating on their door! I just...I just had to end the insanity..." She trailed off with a sad shake of her head.

"You do realize that they're just boys, right? Normal teenage young men, looking to get through high school." He sighed and looked down at the clip board he held. "Completely breaking with reality like this over some water cooler gossip is a sign of severe psychosis." The girl hung her head, narrow shoulders falling.

"You just don't understand, and how could you!" She shouted, standing and pacing the length of the room. "I just...I can't explain it if you don't know."

"Well," the therapist drawled out. "Why don't you tell me your version?"

"The police don't want to know my version. They want you to tell them I'm crazy." She bit back, settling back down on the couch.

"I want to know what you think happened." He tried this time, leaning forward slightly, setting the clip board down. "What happened that you went on this rampage?"

"Well..." She began slowly. "It started, I guess, when I first met Caleb Danvers..."

_A tall girl, just under six foot, stood, clip board in hand, and four boys lined up in front of her. She was primping them, straightening collars, fixing errant hairs, that sort of thing. "Now, as you all know, with the latest pregnancy scare, I decided that I need help keeping track of all four of you, so I've called in my cousin, Unice, to help make sure things run smoothly. She side stepped to reveal a much shorter girl, with a mouse like face and hair the color of grizzly bear fur. _

"_Hello." She said, extending a hand at the closest one, Caleb, if she'd remembered correctly. He just looked down at the pale hand like it might have rabies. "Alright." she tucked it back into her jacket pocket while Gertrude glared at the dark haired boy. "As you know, Gert wants to keep an eye on the more problematic of the four." She glanced at Tyler and Reid before continuing. "So I'll be in charge of making sure that you two get to where you're supposed to be in a timely manner." _

"_Gert, we don't need an extra baby-sitter." Reid whined, drawing in a big pouting breath. Unice looked at her cousin, who was slowly counting down from fifty. When she reached thirty she turned on her heal, stared the blonde down, and finally spoke. _

"_Reid, need I remind you of the pregnancy scare which resulted in you telling some floozy about the power? Need I go on to describe the script that the girl turned in and not only got a movie made, but hundreds of thousands of fan girls swarming to Ipswich while they're not writing about how the four of your get it on in closets?" _

"_But we don't-"_

"_Tyler Simms, I don't care what you do or do not do. It falls to me to protect your secret and make sure that you look good doing it! How am I supposed to do that when there's a full length film out there? Huh? I can't." She huffed while smoothing a hair out of Pogue's face. "What I can do is make sure that nothing like this ever happens again." _

"_Alright." Caleb finally agreed, and as one, they quickly fell in line. Unice managed to keep Caleb's new toy happy and healthy while trying to fend off assassins from the mass influx of fangirls that might be looking for Sarah's death. Pogue for the most part was easy to defend. Kate was a strong woman who kept him on a fairly tight leash. It had taken her a while to warm up to the idea of Unice following her boyfriend around, but she'd taken it in stride after she realized that Unice was, in fact, a lesbian and was probably looking more at her than her boyfriend. _

"The first months were easy enough." She told the therapist who'd completely abandoned his clip board for the dish of pistachios that sat on his desk.

"So what happened?" He asked, munching away on the nuts.

"The Sues happened." She shuttered and began telling the story.

"_Hey, Unice, who is that?" Caleb asked, arm draped around Sarah's shoulder. The short girl turned and took in the four females across the expanse of the Spencer lawn. They walked side by side, two of them had long hair, which billowed in the breeze. It would have looked like spun silk had there not been streaks of blue and red flowing through it. One of the other two had short hair, cropped in a pixie like do with bright green at the tips. The fourth, and perhaps the leader from her position just slightly ahead of the other three, had shoulder length hair the color of slate. Their eyes were all various shades of piercing greens, blues, and purple. They were perfectly shaped down to their Barbie doll measurements. _

_Unice had been shocked, never before had she encountered a Sue, but she was sure that this, this monstrous gathering in front of her was what Gert called a "Sue Pack". Caleb and Pogue quickly fled Sarah and Kate's sided in favor of flirting with the first two girls with their long hair model tendrils. They told of a coven from California, where it was always sunny (which explained their perfect tans) and that they, themselves, were the long lost Daughters of Ipswich, who had been cast out centuries ago. It was only Kate's quick thinking that saved them..._

_A splash of water from the closest fire hydrant and it became apparent that their tans were spray on, their hair was not naturally colored that way as the dye ran to the ground, and that their sweet but sassy attitude did not hold over when they were wet. They left in a huff swearing vengeance for their embarrassment. _

"Jesus, now I understand why you used the hydrant, but what about everything else, I mean...the machete, that set of throwing knives., the bolo...and that flail was even more gruesome than I would imagine you needed for the defense of two teenage boys." The psychiatrist was no longer eating his canned and salted nuts, instead, he was on the edge of his seat, absorbing every second.

"I thought that after we drove off the Sue Pack things would quiet down, but they came in droves..." She trailed off, trying to hold back the tears. "There were just so many, and Nicky can only help so much. Gorman's getting so old..."

"It's alright, here, have a tissue." She took the offered Kleenex and dried the errant tears from her eyes.

"You don't understand..." She took a steadying breath, "but you will."

_Gertrude had called that night and explained that she too had experienced a Sue, but that hers was only a minor level, and that it almost had personal characteristics. She's managed to take her out with a well placed kick and make-up remover. It was in those few second that Unice was on the phone that tragedy struck. _

_She was a younger girl, much younger than the normal Sue's...only thirteen or fourteen. She'd showed up on Pogue's doorstep with a birth certificate and a letter from his absentee mother. She requested that he take care of his little sister, and help her through the acquisition of her new powers. Pogue, blind and just a little stupid, and opened the door and allowed the girl in, only to have her laugh maniacally and throw open the window to reveal Chase, alive and in the flesh. They kissed, mouths open and tongues battling. He pulled her tight to his body, and made the most minute thrusting motions with his hips. _

_They pulled apart long enough for Chase to ask Pogue how he liked the whore his little sister had become before sucking face once more. It had been Unice that saved the day. She quickly revealed that the last name on the certificate had been Parrey and not Parry, and that the normally quick scrawl of his mother's hand writing was overly neat. The woman had even misspelled her own name in the signature. _

_Chase was quickly brought down with the complete removal of his head with a well placed machete. The girl, enraged at the loss of her lover, flew across the expanse, teeth bared in a snarl. Unice had little choice but to remove her head as well. _

"So that explains the machete, and the dead bodies, but the rest? The flail...the bolo?" The psychiatrist asked again interrupting the story.

Unice heaved a heavy sigh, chest deflating slightly at thinking about what had happened. "I tried to reason with them, I really did. I don't know where I went wrong, but things got so off track." She blew her nose, wiping at it until it almost glowed red.

"Calm down, dear, and tell me what happened." The psychiatrist requested in a soft voice.

"Well, you see..."

_It had been a little over a week after the "twisted sister" incident, and the boys were to have their first swim meet of the year. Gertrude and Unice had come together, joining forces for the time that they would all need to be in the same place. They'd had Kate and Sarah wear particularly provocative clothing, trying to distract the boys from the swim girls from the other schools. _

_Sarah, while before had been simply a problem, had started to fall into her role as a girlfriend of a son of Ipswich. After Caleb had told her everything, she'd really settled down. She'd even signed up for tae chi classes at the local YMCA. That, Unice had to admit, was probably for the best, because just the night before, Gorman had called explaining that he was going to have to retire. His heart could only take so much, he'd told her, and his doctor had suggested that he quit the hero guarding business for good. Having known the business all her life-her family had produced some of the greats such as Alfred who guarded the famous Bruce Banner-she understood the strain that the stress of the job could put on your body. _

_So, she'd let the man go. As it was though, they were one man down on one of the most difficult missions of the year. Opening day was always the most difficult. Just as Sarah and Kate had disappeared into the locker room to flush out any hiding fan girls, tragedy struck. _

_Gertrude was busy dusting Reid and Tyler's chests with a mister. Nicky was flexing menacingly at the other teams boy-you could never be too careful, some wanted them dead, others wanted to fuck them. That exact moment was when it happened. _

"I'm not really sure how I didn't see it coming." Unice sobbed, again laying herself back on the leather couch. The therapist shushed her and stood up, crossing the few feet to rub at her shoulder.

"I'm sure you did all you could. Tell me about it, maybe it will help?" He asked, continuing to make little circles with his thumb.

_The other team's female squad walked by, swim suits entirely too skimpy, but they were swim girls, flat chested and almost boy like. That's when one broke form the pack. Unice could tell from a mile away she wasn't on the team. The string bikini gave her away, coupled with the size DD's and the pierced navel. The tattoos of Celtic and Saxon runes should have given something more away, but Unice was new to the ball game. How could she have known that there were Sues of all religions? _

_No, Unice had been blind sided when the woman used the tattoos to spell Caleb into loving her. Gertrude had seen it coming from across the pool. Her brown eyes had widened in fear, she shouted, gesturing wildly, crying out for Nicky to help them. The big man had reacted, reaching under the bleachers to pull out a leather roll filled with throwing knives. Tossing it to Unice, she'd had little choice other than to burry a knife in each of the girl's breasts before using the last and final blade to cut the delicately designed braid from the girl's head. _

_With the deflation of her breasts, the skin sagged, distorting the tattoos and ending the spell. Seeing the short haired woman in front of him, covered in wrinkly ink, Caleb had come to his senses just in time to see Sarah launch herself at the woman from across the room. Unice had nodded with grim satisfaction at the ferocity of the young woman. The blood in the pool also ended the swim meet. It had been a stroke of genius. _

"I didn't even know celtic runes worked for that sort of thing!" The therapist exclaimed, and Unice gave a sad little nod. After the incident, she had looked deeply into the matter.

"It's a little known fact that the old Gods more often than not answer the prayers because they need them more than the new age Gods." Unice gave a grim little nod of her head. "But that wasn't what bought me this ticket to the big house, was it?" Unice asked, fingering the orange jumpsuit that they'd made her wear.

"No, I don't suppose it was, but from the sounds of it, you did what you had to do." The therapist jumped up from the couch and returned to his chair, making notes like mad on his clip board. "Now, if you could just tell me about the girls that tried to steal the boys' power, I think we'll resolve the discussion for today."

Unice froze at his words. The therapist was a man that the police had paid to get her to confess. He hadn't been told about the power syphoning spell that had required her to use the bolo to trap the man that had tried to steal the boys' powers. The therapist seemed to know he'd slipped up, because in that instant, he had grabbed the letter opener from his desk and lunged at her.

With a frightened scream, Unice fell backward off the couch, searching for something to keep her safe. In the hands of a hero guard anything could be a weapon, but she had little besides a dish of pistachio shells. Resigning herself to dying for her cause, she braced her back against the wall and pinched her eyes shut.

A loud bang and the sound of a struggle forced her lids open and she was shocked to see not only Gertrude, but Sarah, Kate, Pogue, Tyler, Reid, and Caleb all fanned out in front of her like a shield. In front, Gertrude was dolling out justice with a parasol tipped with razor blades. When the blood spatter finally stopped painting the walls, they all turned to each other.

It had been a close call, Unice's confinement, but together they had pulled through. "Thank you, guys." Unice said in her small voice, but there was a ripple of "No problems" and "It was the least we could do's". She linked arms with her cousin, happy to have closed another chapter in the story of the boys' defense. The ring of men trying to steal their powers and replace the sons had finally be shut down. The therapist had been the last man standing.

The Covenant of Ipswich would go another day. Tomorrow there might be another threat: Sues, Power Thieves, god forbid maybe even a resurrection or two, but they would make it through, afterall, Unice was debating calling in her Sassy Gay Friend, Juan from where he was telling Shakespearian characters how silly they were being. While he would make it infinitely easier, it would draw attention back to the Coven, and hadn't they JUST payed that film company off? One full length motion picture out there was enough, if there had been a sequel...Gert and Unice shuttered at the same time and shared a look. If there had been a sequel hell would have come to earth at last.

Author's Note: Well all. I hope you enjoyed this. I personally loved Stab Them With My Steely Knives, and after a while managed to rope five reviews out of it. Review if you enjoyed this little continuation.


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